The lost battle of arguing with a boss
In the 8 years I spent in different corporations, I learned the hard way that there is a battle that you will always lose. No matter the arguments or the reason behind it, there is no way of winning when it comes to conflict with a manager. Even if this might be a common-sense rule for some of us, others keep on making the same mistake over and over again.
On my first job, I made my mission fighting for the truth and shielding the colleagues that would not stand up for themselves. I made myself a reputation of a mercenary that came to bite me on the a*s very quickly. I was on the blacklist and all the HRs and management knew about my bad attitude.
When it came to giving me a better position, even if the client wanted me to take it, my manager said that I was not ready and that I was not mature enough for it. When the job appraisal discussion happened, I was given a very small increase because of my performance. Again, on the technical side, I was flawless yet on the attitude I was told that I still have work to do.
After a few years, I decided that it was time to move forward and apply to a different company, yet my reputation followed me. At the interview, the wife of a colleague was present, and even if the other interviewer was very happy with the way I responded, I wasn’t offered the job. The interview really impacted my confidence, and I was devastated by the fact that I wasn’t desired where I was working anymore, but I wasn’t able to leave either.
Luckily for me, I wanted to leave the city, and when I applied to companies from soon to be my new town, I was able to score a better position and they also doubled my salary. Indeed a fresh start where I promised myself I would not be drowned in other people’s drama. Selfish? Yes. Healthy? Also yes.
It’s been 5 years since those events happen and I realized how important it is to stay away from unwanted drama and to NEVER, under no circumstances argue with your direct supervisor or with anyone from the management team. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying to bend your head and accept everything, or even worse to kiss your boss’s ass, what I am saying is to build diplomacy skills and know exactly how to give feedback.
In the 3 years that I spent in the company for which I am currently working and where I have a management position, I’ve learned so much about the politics and the hidden rules that run in the background. I’ve learned how a person can make you or break you when it comes to promotions or salary raises, but also how being on your best behavior can really make you stand out and help you climb the corporate ladder.
Nowadays I see many of my colleagues making the same mistakes that I did back in the day, thinking that they are winning, they shamed their bosses, and that they will be remembered as someone with strong principles. They will be remembered, just not exactly how they are imagining it.
If I were to give anyone a piece of advice, it would be to stay very far from drama, at the workplace you are not in high-school. Also, the American movies that make a hero out of the person who defends the others and speaks his or her mind in front of all the other employees are simply fiction. I have never seen that happen in real life, furthermore, I’ve seen people being sacked for this. Drama is always bad, exposing issues and giving corrective feedback in public is seen as a capital sin.
Some might say that if you have an issue with a direct manager, you should report this to perhaps the HR person or even a department made especially for issues such as this. Here comes the boomer, that is an even worst idea. From the second you send that email or walk into that room to talk about this, you will be labeled as a high-conflict person. That department is made to be used the other way around, and complaining will add a black spot on your profile. The HR department has a shred record with other companies, when a new person is hired they communicate with the last employer, and any information they are having will be shared. So this is another big no-no.
Clearly, there will be exceptions to these rules, any sort of abuse should not be tolerated, but be the judge of the severity of that abuse. Don’t start a war over something that is not important. 99% of the time, I see people arguing over nothing, not accepting the given feedback, or start a conflict out of boredom. Ask yourself how important is whatever you are feeling right now, how about in 5 years? Will this still matter? Is it worth jeopardizing your career over it?
The best approach to any situation would be to let the initial heat cool off, never respond or take any decision in the heat of the moment. Even in the worst scenario, give yourself a few minutes to reorganize your strategy. Choose polite words and if there is something that is bothering you, focus on the why and never on the who. Before escalating, always speak with your superior first, give them a chance to change, only after doing that go higher. Make sure you give everyone a chance to explain and NEVER give feedback to feedback.
Even if you decide to leave the company, make sure you do not burn the bridges. It’s a very small world and chances are you will cross paths with them in the future.
Knowing what I know today, I realized that what my first manager said, with me not being mature enough, was right. For them, it was a risk to promote me and have the same attitude with the clients or other partners. Today, when I see the same pattern in other people, I am doing my best to coach them and explain why they are making a big mistake, one that is as old as corporations. Usually, life is very different from the movies, and being the hero is not as impressive as one might think, that is the reason syndicates exist and why employees do not represent themselves directly.
One last note to this matter would be not to take anything for what it is, corporations work in the same way as states, conducted by politics, so choose diplomacy over immediate reaction, the pleasure of proving your point will disappear fast, unfortunately, a bad reputation will not.